The Travel Grand Prix
Every major sporting event these days seems to have a grand prix as its pinnacle event. Although the Formula One and 500cc bike Grand Prix have been with us for years, now such diverse sports as golf, equestrian, yachting and athletics feel that they too need a grand prix.
Here then is the circuit for the inaugural World Travel Grand Prix. Contestants race around the world with no specified time limit, collecting famous sights and place names to be chalked up on an imaginary scoreboard.
In the United States the choice is boundless in such a big territory. The obligatory sights include Venice Beach, California, Disneyland, Niagara Falls, The Grand Canyon and a tour of the Statue of Liberty. The more adventurous may want to pick up bonus points for visiting south central LA or any street in Washington DC after 10 pm.
South American stops include the mighty Amazon and its surrounding jungle, Rio de Janeiro and that cross on the mountain you always see in the movies. The well-worn backpacking trail through Bolivia , Peru and Ecuador is a must, but bonus points are awarded for getting through Lima unaccosted by thieves or the smell of mountains of smouldering rubbish.
The Pacific region is open to a choice of visits. While Fiji is coming back into vogue, especially with surfers, Noumea’s popularity declines. The Cook Islands, Tonga and Samoa are out of the way treats, though Hawaii is strictly for the Japanese.
In New Zealand, travellers are expected to visit the geysers and hot mud pools of the North island, and the glaciers of the South. Adventure sports like bungee jumping and white water rafting score well, but out of date sheep and Rainbow Warrior jokes are frowned upon.
Crossing to the largest island in the world, sight collectors warm up with the Sydney Opera House and the Harbour Bridge for standard photos. Another old favourite is Byron Bay, now sadly over-run by European would-be hippies. The Barrier Reef is not to be missed, even by those who still remember JAWS. Stuck out in the middle of the desert is Ayers Rock. This great red monolith, though sacred to the Aborigines, has to be climbed to fulfill the Australian experience.
Moving north, the Asian leg of our grand prix commences. Compulsory stops are the remote islands of Indonesia and Thailand, where travellers live on fruit pancakes, mushrooms and herbs. Trekking in Nepal is still popular, as are the Taj Mahal and horror stories of Indian over population.
Moving towards North Africa, our Australian and New Zealand competitors will have to stop at Gallipoli to pay respects to the ANZACS of WW1. Purchasing a ‘genuine’ carpet or kilim is okay as long as you have haggled for the price over a cup of tea provided by the merchant, who always has a relation in Australia!!
Africa includes such sights as the Pyramids, the Dead Sea and its oases, Victoria Falls and safaris into the game parks. While trips to South Africa are nowhere near as hair-raising as five years ago, shanty town tours can still provide excitement. Military-style clothing should only be worn by thrill-seeking players in Central Africa, especially at border crossings.
In Europe contestants are faced with multiple point scoring options. City collectors rush madly around by Eurail or VW camper – barely remembering the details but with snapshots to prove it.
Quaint mountain villages start the Austrian experience, topped off by the city of Vienna and attendance at a classical music concert, even if you hate classical music. A visit to the dancing Andalucian horse scores well too.
Italian stops include the Tower of Pisa and Mick’s famous roof in the Sistine Chapel. Bonus points here for not eating pasta and the ability to afford a private gondola in Venice.
The French leg of the tour takes in the Riviera and Monaco, the Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel tower. Cheap red wine and a monotonous diet of baguettes, goat cheese and vegetables is essential.
The running of the bulls in Pamplona is especially exciting for terminally insane antipodeans. Swan dives in the square and more cheap red wine help build courage; and anyone who is anyone gets robbed in Spain, preferably on the Costa del Sol or the Costa Brava.
While heading north west through Germany, the opulent Munich with its debauched beerfest and silent memories of Dachau will slow the competitors momentarily. The ghost of the Berlin Wall, sauerkraut and schnapps earn big points here.
On the way north to the midnight sun in Scandinavia, contestants are actually penalized for not stopping in Amsterdam. Due to legions of backpackers taking advantage of the free beer in the past, consumption at the Heineken factory is strictly limited. No such rule applies to the cafes.
Nearing the finish line, travellers cross the channel to Old Blighty. Here, the Tower of London and Liz’s London house top the list. Attendance at a play in the West End earns additional points as do visits to Scotland, Ireland and Wales. Pub fare and pints are mandatory, as is a longer stay than planned due to exorbitant costs of living and the need to work to restore funds.
So our happy travellers, complete with permanent hangovers, postcards and mounds of photos now have sufficient material to bore the hell out of friends and family back home who cannot understand the nomadic instinct.